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Friday, March 5, 2010

There are no footprints too small...

Don't know where to start with this one, and figured I need to just post this. I have a feeling if I don't post about it, I won't ever get back to posting again about the intent of this blog, which is Gavin, his progress and what we are trying to do with raising awareness.

I tried posting on a different topic, without facing this (publically to you), and it sits in my drafts unpublished. In a way, I feel if I carry on without even mentioning, that it didn't happen. And that is not my intent.

Last Friday, a week ago from today, right at this time actually.... I sat in a hospital bed, with my husband beside me. I thought the next time we would walk out of the hospital, would be in September of this year, holding my baby in my arms, and as a family of five. Instead we walked out distraught with paperwork, confirming that I had lost my baby.

I was 11 weeks pregnant.

My heart is with every mom (and dad) who have had to struggle with this loss. To say the word 'miscarriage', which indeed it is, I feel, removes the human element from this. I lost my child. A human being that my husband and I created has passed away. A much wanted, highly anticipated little fully formed baby. I struggled with my last pregnancy for many months, and it seemed like this was the direction I was in with this pregnancy as well. Complications from the start. What makes it even more heartbreaking, is 2 days before losing our baby, I was seen again by my dr., (due to some minor complications) and I saw my baby's heart, and was dancing around. I knew I was still in the "high risk" for the time of miscarriages, but to see your child's ultrasound, and see/hear the heartbeat on two seperate occasions before losing him/her.... is just something I can't even put into words. It was another level of bonding, and it just hurts. I was told everything was "ok" two days before. God had other plans 48 hours later.

My heart is with everyone who has lost a baby at any development.

We are surrounded by some of the best people. We had dinner made for us on many occasions, offers to help do our laundry, clean our house, take care of my kids and the list goes on. I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart for helping us. I was ordered to "rest and take it easy" for almost a month before we lost our baby. That is VERY difficult with two little ones. Thank you my family and friends for your help and endless little gestures of kindness. Not just for me, but for our kids, as well as Troy. Thank you for taking the time and making sure Troy is ok. His loss as a father, is just as great.

I went back and forth whether or not to post this. But then, it hit me. If I don't share it with you, the public, even if I only have a handful of readers then I am not publically acknowledging our baby we lost. There is no birth certificate, death certificate, or even a piece of paper telling the world that he or she even existed. If even for a short time in utero. All I have is tears, a sense of loss and a broken heart.

I also feel better knowing that there are some pretty awesome people in heaven who are watching over our little one.

I will always be a mommy to two here with me, and one little angel in heaven.

I will never forget my baby. Until we meet again.

I love you and I miss you.

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave a lasting imprint on our hearts"

7 comments:

  1. I lost my little peanut over 10 years ago. It is just as painful as the day it happened, and I was not even as far along as you. My heart breaks for you and your family.

    May God comfort you all at this time of your loss, and for years of happiness with your children you are able to hug every day.

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  2. I am so sorry about your loss and about the pain you are feeling. Please know that our prayers are with you.

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  3. Prayers for you all. I had a loss at 6 weeks, I cannot even imagine at 11 weeks. My heart breaks for you, I know your baby was loved so much.

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  4. Jennifer-I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say will help you but just know that you are not alone.

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  5. I had no idea Jennifer...now Mindi's post makes sense. I am so sorry to hear this. Please know that I am thinking and praying for you, Troy and the boys...thoughts and prayers.

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