Irreplaceable (and a rant... fair warning)

ir·re·place·a·ble – adjective "incapable of being replaced"

I have a thing for the universe. I feel like we kind of get each other.

We have a relationship, and I think I am on the right path of understanding the big picture of what it all is. When I really sit in the quiet and think of the galaxy, and picture its enormous size, I can really get dizzy. Even to the point of feeling a little bit queasy. Does it ever end? Where is the end point of life, in the universe of what exists? How tiny are we really in the grand scheme of all that there is? I often watch the Planet Earth shows, and others like it and can honestly say my breath is actually taken from me at times.

I am a ginormous fan of the planet, nature and especially sunsets and trees. Not to where I'm overly tree huggy, but just mesmerized by its beauty and really captivated by the magestic aspect of nature.

When I see pictures or video of planet Earth from a great distance, to where it looks just like a little round ball, I get an overwhelming feeling over me that we are truly ONE. One that is, human. I even have told people that I wish all these individuals who are fighting, be it politicians, countries, racists, or just plain old jerks would be sent up to the moon (on the same shuttle, and all together) and take a look down at Earth. Take a good, long, hard look at the one planet that gives them life, the one planet that allows them to make all their dreams come true, the one planet where they coexist, whether they like it or not.

Call me cooky, in my mind, that is the way I would save the world. In hopes they would see their lives differently, and what they were doing and what they were fighting (each other) and just take advantage of existing, and living. Come back to earth with a renewed energy and have a change of heart.

Ok, back to reality.

And how funny, that it is true that we really fight with one another. Human against human. We even get bothered that we can't keep up with the Jones' or irritated that we aren't skinny enough, pretty enough, or have enough. The point of this is, nature really is a part of me. I mean, it really brings over a change of attitude when I see the beauty in which nature and the world, the universe has to offer. Not just knowing it's there, but visually seeing it. Being captivated by the magnitude of its greatness and know, really know that you have to obey nature and respect it. Just by seeing it. It is that big, that spectacular. Without sounding trite or cliche, we really are just a speck of dust in all that exists, and just a blink of an eye in the big time frame of existence.

And that makes me mad at times. Why? Because my little boy doesn't have that visual. He doesn't know what the moon, the rainbows or what the trees look like. He has his own vision of what it might look like, but no point of reference for what it actually looks like. I think I have the right for that to bother me. Days like today, I get really ticked. In all the positive we try to see in what his vision loss has brought us, I would never change, but that doesn't mean that it still does not really get me, and get me hard with sadness, anger and doubt.

Gavin has been sick, really sick actually with pneumonia. The only thing I have to soothe him all day long, is my (horrible) singing and music. We can't curl up and watch cartoons, I can't take him for a drive and drown him out with the magic that peers through his window. I can't look down at him at the doctors office and make funny faces at him to keep him entertained for hours on end. Not that I don't mind it being hard for me to try to console him, I am his mom and will do what it takes. It's just these times that his vision loss is really brought to the forefront of our reality.

I have a right, and it at times, really hits me.

The ability to see, it's irreplaceable.

I don't understand a lot of things. All that I have described with the greatness of nature and seeing these enormous creations, and you're telling me my son can't see?

Whaaaa... wait.

What?

Yeah, that's how I view it at times. I know it's greedy, it's irrational and a bad perspective. But it's relevant to my life and I go there at times.

I understand others suffering, and my son is healthy, but this is my rant for the evening. I don't often go here to this place, it's in me, but I try to cover it up with whatever I need to do to help me on this journey.

I want him to get that feeling that I get when I see the ocean, and when I gaze up at the Sequoias in Kings Canyon (my favorite place in the world). The view from the top of the clouds on a plane ride, or the happiness that my oldest gets when he sees the beginning AND the end of a bright rainbow, with dark clouds behind it making the colors burst. That breathtaking sunset, the sight of those snowcapped mountains, or the happiness his soul can feel, by glancing my way and me giving him my smile or nod of encouragement and approval from a distance.

Yes, he views it differently, yes he feels it, but dang it... I want him to see it. How can I EVER communicate this glory to him, effectively?

It's irreplaceable. Regardless of how good of a job I do, to help him find that connection to nature and feel it to see it; he can't.

Treasure nature, and really try to understand it and relish in it's offer to you, visually. It's there, it's waiting for you to embrace it and see it.

See it for Gavin, and for all those out there who cannot see it the way you can. Or see it for those that just don't get it. Don't worry about the nonsense that we so often get wrapped up in, appreciate it.

Appreciate the irreplaceable with your eyes. And see the irreplaceable with your heart.