Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A succession of moments...

Love the moment.
Flowers grow out of dark moments.
Therefore, each moment is vital.
It affects the whole.
Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

If you have been reading this blog, it's not news this has been a difficult year for my family. Sadness, grief and mourning have filled the walls of the homes of many family members. Including mine. Personally, last year started off bad for my immediate household. This lead us to the joyous occasion of my son being born, and then us finding the news of his condition, was devastating. We lost my grandpa 2 months ago, and then our uncle (my grandpa's youngest child) a week from today. Wow. A week from today. (That is hard to type/see).

I'm not trying to get sympathy here, simply stating facts. We have all experienced sadness. This comes down to this being life. We never know when your family will be faced with tragedy, sadness, grief. I have been living in fear since the passing of my uncle. I'm scared to say good-bye to my husband as he walks out the door for work each morning. I'm worried when my son is at preschool, even though he is in good care. I check on my boys 10 times a night (no exaggeration). When I hear about an "accident" on the freeway on the news, my heart sinks wondering if it's someone I love. Every siren that I hear, I wonder if it's for my family or friends that just left my house. My heart skips a beat when the phone rings. I worry that another illness-type disease will strike my children, my husband, myself.

I'm just scared.

It does sound so cliche, but was has happened with the odds with Gavin, to my uncle's untimely sudden death - never in a hundred years did I imagine it would happen with my family. Not my son? Not my uncle who was in his front yard? Not that another family is more deserving, it's just this is stuff you hear about on the news or "friends of friends of coworkers". Not with my family? We are all humans, we are all vulnerable, we are all at risk for devastation at any cost. At any moment. It's the hard, sad truth and reality of life.

I cannot have this adversity and sadness and heartbreaking grief stop me from living. I cannot, and will not instill this fear into my children. I refuse to have Landon look in my eyes, and see fear when he says good bye to me in the morning. I refuse to hold Gavin each morning, and have him feel the tears and the worried tone to my voice. Living with caution is very different than living in fear. It's something I need to work through, and I know I will.

Each and every moment is vital to our life. The joyous, happy occasions, to the gut-wrenching sorrow, sadness and grief. They are important. They are our moments, it is our life, it is these emotions that validates us as humans. To know and understand the good and the bad of what we experience and what we feel contributes to the big picture that we were given a life. An opportunity to feel, love and experience. We were born, we are important. We are human.

But knowing I have succeeded by getting through the dark moments, is what I need to remind myself as I feel the pain, the sadness, the longing.

They are all vital. Even the sad moments. They all affect the whole.

I need to remember the sadness that fills my heart for my son, for my family, is all part of life. My life. I'm grateful I am blessed to have a life and feel every emotion. I was given a chance. Something difficult at times to understand, but it is what it is. We are all here to experience this, but making them momentous and touching to one another means more than having it, I think.

Good times. Bad times. Happiness. Sorrow.
They are vital. And you have succeeded just by getting through them.

Not by understanding them, agreeing with them, deserving them or wanting them.

But by getting through them.


  1. Well said... thank you for reminding all of us who are struggling. One day at a time, one moment at a time.

    I wish brighter days for your family. You have too much to do in this world and wish you encouragement to come out all this stronger!

    -- speaking on behalf of many who care for you all, Nikki

  2. Big Hugs!!!
    You bring perspective even during your darkest times Jenn.
    I applaud you.
    Praying for your family!

  3. Oh Jennifer...how beautifully said. I love that you are able to speak from your heart. I know it's hard to lose loved ones so close to eachother. I lost my grandfather and my uncle within 4 months of eachother. Both devasting! My uncle was the oldest of my grandfather's and named after him too. I can tell you that it was one of the most hardest times for our family to get thru. But like you said, as a whole (being our family) we were able to get thru it because we had eachother but most importantly we had our Faith in the Lord. Hold onto your faith...though it's hard...hold on and ride on HIS wings. He'll carry you and the rest of your family thru this. I know because He did this for me and my family. Too be honest it wasn't till years later that I was actually able to shed tears over my uncle's death. I was still grieving over my grandfather that I had no emotions what so ever. Nothing! I felt horrible, but it wasn't till later that I understood I was in shock. That was my grieving. And then finally the tears came...years later. I thank the Lord for that. But most importantly His faithfulness and mercy in getting me thru. He'll do the same for you. I'm praying for you!

  4. I think what you are feeling and experiencing is natural after so much devastation. I know how you feel about being scared. The number one question I get from people about Danny is "Aren't you worried about him"? Nice question right? Of course I am scared every single time he walks out the door. However, I have learned to be logical about it and not let it consume me. In the beginning I had a specific way of saying goodbye to him when he would leave for work. I would say the same thing each time, get out of bed and hug and kiss him. If I didn't do it exactly, I would call him on the way to work or run out to the driveway at 4:30 in the morning. I knew I had to let it go. I did over time. It is okay to worry about my husband when he goes to work, but I no longer live my life consumed with worry over his safety. I had to remind myself that he is well trained and so are the guys he is with everyday. It's cliche, but the fire station really is a family and I know they are taking care of him.

    You are a very intelligent and logical person. You have to remember that emotions are very high right now and that is okay. Over time you will get back to rational thought and feel better. Nobody can tell you how long that will take. In the meantime you know that you are surrounded by a wonderful family and eventually you will gain focus again. We love you Jen and are here always!

  5. Thanks everybody for your nice words. I have read them over and over. :)

  6. Dear Jen and Family,

    May you all know that we are with you through these trying times. I found this poem and wanted to share it with you after I read your last entry.

    The Four Candles, Author Unknown

    The Four Candles burned slowly.
    Their Ambiance was so soft you
    could hear them speak...

    The first candle said, "I Am Peace, but these days, nobody
    wants to keep me lit." Then Peace's flame slowly
    diminishes and goes out completely.

    The second candle says, "I Am Faith, but these days, I am
    no longer indispensable." Then Faith's flame slowly
    diminishes and goes out completely.

    Sadly the third candle spoke, "I Am Love and I haven't the
    strength to stay lit any longer."
    "People put me aside and don't understand my
    importance. They even forget to love those who are
    nearest to them." And waiting no longer, Love goes out

    Suddenly...A child enters the room and sees the three
    candles no longer burning. The child begins to cry, "Why
    are you not burning? You are supposed to stay lit until the

    Then the Fourth Candle spoke gently to the little boy,
    "Don't be afraid, for I Am Hope, and while I still burn, we
    can re-light the other candles."

    With Shining eyes the child took the Candle of Hope and
    lit the other three candles.

    Never let the Flame of Hope go out of your life.
    With Hope, no matter how bad things look and
    are...Peace, Faith and Love can Shine Brightly in our lives.

    Always know that pease, love, faith are possible when we have hope! Our hope for you is that you will find comfort during these trying times and know that we love you very much!

    Shirley and Jack Martinez

  7. Thank you Shirley. This is beautiful!


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